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AwesomenessTV

What's In My Garbage

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AwesomenessTV

What's In My Garbage

- [laughs creepily] WELCOME TO MY LAIR. IT IS I... THEY SAY THAT IT'S INNER BEAUTY THAT COUNTS. UNFORTUNATELY FOR US VAMPIRES, WE HAVE NO INNER BEAUTY. WE'RE UGLY, HORRID, BLOODTHIRSTY MONSTERS INSIDE. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN'T LOOK PRESENTABLE. IT'S TIME FOR A VAMPIRE MAKEOVER. [rock music] SO, WHEN YOU'RE BUILDING YOUR FIRST, OR ANY, CASTLE, WHAT YOU WANT TO START WITH IS THE FOUNDATION. YOU WANT TO PICK SOMETHING THAT'S CLOSE TO YOUR NATURAL SKIN TONE. BABY POWDER DOES THE TRICK. I USE... "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT CHALK." SINCE A LOT OF MAKEUP IS WATER-BASED, BE SURE TO CALL THE CUSTOMER SERVICE NUMBER ON THE BACK TO MAKE SURE THAT IT'S NOT HOLY WATER-BASED, BECAUSE YOUR FACE WILL MELT AND YOU WILL DIE. [ding] DUE TO THE WHOLE "NO REFLECTION" THING, APPLYING LIPSTICK CAN BE A GRUESOME TASK. ONE THING WE CAN DO IS USE ONE OF THESE VERY HELPFUL HUMAN MASKS. [rock music] ♪ YOU CAN ORDER ONE OF THESE ON MY WEBSITE, OR YOU CAN JUST CUT OUT ANY FACE OUT OF ANY MAGAZINE. - YEAH! [alarm ringing] - IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. WELL, HAVE NO FEAR, TERRY THE TOMBOY IS HERE, AND I'M GONNA GUIDE YOU THROUGH THE FIRST DAY OF THE NEW SCHOOL YEAR. [upbeat country and western music] I LIKE TO EAT A PRETTY STANDARD BREAKFAST OF BACON AND EGGS. THESE EGGS ARE FROM OUR CHICKEN, WENDY. SHE'S TOTALLY FREE RANGE, SO I'M PRETTY SURE THAT MEANS THAT HER EGGS DON'T CONTAIN ANY CHOLESTEROL. BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS. BREAKFAST: CHECK. SHAVE... WHAT DO I NEED TO SHAVE? OH, RIGHT. SHAVE: CHECK. SHOWER... SHOWER? MOM, STOP ADDING THINGS TO MY MORNING CHECKLIST. - YOU STINK. TAKE A SHOWER. - WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, QUEEN VICTORIA? NOW, THE THING ABOUT A NEW SCHOOL YEAR-- IT'S A CHANCE TO REINVENT YOURSELF. SO START WITH A NEW 'DO. I'LL POP 'ROUND AND GET SOME FISH AND CHIPS, MATE. ♪ I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH ♪ ♪ I WHIP MY HAIR-- NOW WHO LOOKS LIKE MILEY? IT'S BEAUTIFUL. NOW LET'S GET A NEW WARDROBE. YOU CAN NEVER GO WRONG WITH A WELL-FITTED T-SHIRT. NOW WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT LUNCH. OF COURSE, YOU'RE NOT GONNA PAY FOR THE SCHOOL SLOP, SO WHAT YOU BRING NEEDS TO BE DELICIOUS AND FULFILL YOUR NUTRITIOUS REQUIREMENTS. GOTTA HAVE A SPOON TO EAT MY CEREAL. DON'T FORGET, AT LEAST ONE SERVING OF FRUITS AND VEGETABLES. SANDWICH. LOBSTER. AND TACOS. POPPIN' ROCKS. [crackling] ALL RIGHT, NOW THAT YOU GOT YOUR HAIR, YOUR CLOTHES, AND YOUR SUSTENANCE, IT'S TIME FOR THE BORING PART: SCHOOL STUFF. PAPER, PENCILS, ABACUS. ALL THE NORMAL, BORING NECESSITIES YOU NEED. BUT BRING SOMETHING EXTRA TO KEEP YOU AMUSED. I LIKE TO KEEP A SLINGSHOT IN HERE TO SHOOT GUM AT JACKSON. NOTHING GETS A GUY'S ATTENTION MORE THAN A GUSHY SPLAT BEHIND THE EAR. - WHAT? - THIS IS MY FAVORITE BINDER. I MADE IT OUT OF THE VARIOUS ROAD KILL I FOUND. ONCE YOU GET USED TO THE SMELL... [sniffs] IT'S LIKE IT DOESN'T SMELL AT ALL. AND YOU GOTTA BE PREPARED FOR BULLIES. A FEW WELL-WIRED, HIGH-POWERED CAR BATTERIES SHOULD DO THE TRICK. - TERRI, YOU'RE SO LAME. WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR HAIR, BRO? [sparking electricity] [ding] - BOYS AREN'T THE ONLY ONES WITH A NASTY SIDE. THIS IS A LITTLE SOMETHING THAT I LIKE TO CALL "MEAN GIRL REPELLENT." - O.M.G. LOOK AT YOUR HAIR. DO YOU KEEP YOUR RAT IN THAT NEST OR SOMETHING? - I HAVE MY HAIR, AND YOU HAVE YOUR HYDRATION. - OH, MY GOD. WHAT? THAT DOESN'T EVEN-- [screams] I'M NEVER WASTING MY TIME WITH YOU EVER AGAIN! [ding] - WELL, THAT ABOUT DOES IT FOR MY MORNING. NOW IT'S OFF TO SCHOOL TO MEMORIZE AND REGURGITATE FACTS I'LL FORGET IN A YEAR ANYWAYS. LET'S MAKE THE MOST OF THE SCHOOL MEALS. AND REMEMBER: A LITTLE GRIM IS MORE THAN FINE. SEE YOU NEXT TIME. - ♪ GO - WELL, HAIL MARY, I FOUND A DELICIOUS BERRY! IT'S TOMBOY TERRY HERE AGAIN, AKA LOVESDIRT96. WAVE MY FLAG AND TRY NOT TO BRAG. WHAT'S IN MY GARBAGE BAG THAT I DON'T USE FOR GARBAGE? I ACTUALLY KEEP THINGS IN THIS BAG! [country music] TODAY, WE'RE GONNA BE TAKING A LOOK INTO A BAG I FIND I CARRY MOST OFTEN-- MY 45-GALLON GARBAGE BAG. SO, LET'S GET TO IT. WHAT'S IN MY BAG? WELL, OF COURSE I HAVE MY CELL PHONE IN HERE. IT HAS ZERO GIGS AND NO CAMERA, BUT WHAT OTHER PHONE CAN DO THIS, RIGHT? SNACK TIME! OH, MY SHADES! I ACTUALLY FELL INTO A RAVINE THE OTHER DAY, AND ONE OF THESE LENSES POPPED OUT. YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING, "ARRGH, ARE YOU GONNA GET NEW SUNGLASSES, MATEY?" NO, I'M NOT. THIS ISN'T SOMETHING A LITTLE CHEWING GUM CAN'T FIX. OH! I ALSO HAPPEN TO HAVE SOME GUM HERE IN MY BAG. I GOTTA GET IT BACK TO THE NATURAL STICKY STATE. GOOD AS THE DAY I FOUND 'EM IN THE DIRT LOT NEXT TO THE GAS STATION. GUM IS ALSO GOOD FOR A NUMBER OF OTHER THINGS. HANG A PICTURE. PLUG A LEAK IN YOUR SHAMPOO BOTTLE CAUSED BY AN ERRANT BLOW-DART. USE IT AS A REMINDER. [gasps] GRANDMA'S BEEN IN THE HOT TUB FOR THREE HOURS! EVERY GIRL NEEDS A LITTLE OLFACTORY REFRESHER WHEN ON THE GO, AND THAT'S WHY I HAVE MY LITTLE FRIEND MARVIN. HAMSTERS ARE ALLERGEN-FREE AND SMELL LIKE A PINE FOREST JUST AFTER THE RAIN. FRESH AS A DAISY ON THE LITTLE LADY. [hamster squeals] [thud] DON'T WORRY. MARVIN HAS THE MOLECULAR CONSISTENCY OF A MARSHMALLOW. I LIKE TO KEEP A CAN OF BUG SPRAY IN HERE, BECAUSE WHEN I GO OUT ON ADVENTURES, I TEND TO RUN INTO A LOT OF CRAZY CRITTERS... AND THEY BUILD HOMES IN MY HAIR. WHERE DID I PUT THAT COMB? OH, HERE WE GO. DON'T WORRY. THEY'RE JUST TAKING NAPS. NOW, EVERYONE IS CONCERNED WITH HAVING FRESH BREATH. THAT'S WHY, IF YOU HAVE BAD BREATH, THIS IS A LIFE SAVER. IF YOU'RE AFRAID THAT PEOPLE ARE GONNA SMELL YOUR BAD BREATH, YOU JUST HIT PEOPLE WITH THIS STICK AND SAY, "GET AWAY FROM ME!" WELL, WE'RE GETTING PRETTY DEEP IN HERE, SO IT'S A GOOD THING I FOUND THESE TWO ITEMS. THE FURTHER I GET DOWN HERE, THE GREATER THE ODDS-- OH! THAT'S WHY I WEAR MY SAFETY GOGGLES. WHAT ELSE IS IN HERE? GERBIL JERKY. MMM! WOODCHIPPY. MY FISHING POLE! I USE THIS TO START FIRES. AND MY MOST PRIZED POSSESSION, CUTTY. CUTTY AND I HAVE A LONG RELATIONSHIP WITH CUTTING THINGS DOWN-- TREES, FENCES, A GUY'S PORCH ONCE. PLUS, NO ONE QUITE DOES MY NAILS LIKE CUTTY. [saw buzzing] THAT'LL DO IT FOR WHAT'S IN MY BAG. I HOPE YOU HAD MORE FUN THAN A SQUIRREL IN A PUDDLE. THANKS FOR WATCHING, AND REMEMBER-- A LITTLE GRIME IS MORE THAN FINE. SEE YOU NEXT TIME! [cheering] all: GO!