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Terry The Tomboy

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AwesomenessTV

Terry The Tomboy

BUT SOMETIMES IT CAN BE STRESSFUL. SO I'VE CREATED A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO HAVING A NICE, RELAXED EVENING. AND MY LITTLE FRIEND SAMMIE HERE IS GONNA HELP ME DEMONSTRATE. - YOUR FEET ARE HEAVY. - STEP ONE, FIND A CLOSET. DON'T WORRY, YOUR EMPLOYERS WILL THANK YOU LATER FOR DE-CLUTTERING THEIR HOME. NOW, TAKE THIS LITTLE MIRACLE OF LIFE AND PUT HER IN THE CLOSET. - HEY, I'M TELLING MY MOM. SHE'S A POLICE OFFICER. NOOOO! - THEY ALWAYS THREATEN TO TELL, BUT IF YOU KEEP THEM IN THE CLOSET LONG ENOUGH, THEY NEVER DO. STEP THREE, PROP A CHAIR UP AGAINST THE DOOR. EVENTUALLY, THEY WEAR THEMSELVES OUT, BUT IN THE MEANTIME, [banging on door] ENJOY A NICE BACK MASSAGE. [pounding on door] STEP FOUR IS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR... RELAX. LISTENING TO CLASSICAL MUSIC ALWAYS HELPS ME RELAX. BUT MAKE SURE TO CRANK IT UP LOUD. [pounding continues] HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO RELAX TO THE SOUND OF SNIVELING? I PREFER SCHUMANN'S THIRD SYMPHONY. SCHUMANN'S SYMPHONIES ARE ALL VERY ENDEARING, BUT THIS ONE IS ESPECIALLY UPLIFTING. - PLEASE LET ME OUT! [pounding on door] - REMEMBER, IF YOU DON'T FEED THEM, THEY'LL PROBABLY DIE. AND IF THEY DIE, YOU PROBABLY WON'T GET HIRED AGAIN. ALL RIGHT, I THINK SHE'S HAD ENOUGH FUN FOR ONE NIGHT. WASN'T THAT EXCITING? IT WAS JUST LIKE THAT FUNNY JAMES FRANCO MOVIE, 127 HOURS. ALL RIGHT, YOU CRAZY KID, GO ON TO BED. WELL, I HOPE MY GUIDE TAUGHT YOU ALL SOMETHING. AND MAY YOUR NEXT EVENING BABYSITTING BE SOOTHING AND RELAXING. I KNOW MINE WAS. ♪♪ OUR FIRST QUESTION COMES FROM SARAH IN TROPICAL ILLINOIS. ASK AWAY, MY LITTLE AMIGA. - SO, HERE'S THE DEAL. I HAVE A BIG CRUSH ON MY FRIEND STEVEN, AND HE SENT ME THIS YESTERDAY. "HEY, SARAH, I THINK WE SHOULD JUST BE FRIENDS." I DON'T WANT TO JUST BE FRIENDS WITH STEVEN. WHAT DO I TEXT BACK, MANN? - STUPENDOUS SARAH, DON'T FRET, MY LITTLE MAHI-MAHI. AS MY GOOD FRIEND BOBBY FISCHER ONCE SAID-- WHAT'S UP, B. FISCH? IT'S ONLY CHECKMATE IF YOU ADMIT IT'S CHECKMATE. LET ME EXPLAIN. THE SIMPLE SOLUTION TO THIS STICKY SITCH IS TO PRETEND LIKE YOU NEVER GOT THE MESSAGE. TRY THIS. [buzz] "ERROR NUMBER 3745: "MESSAGE COULD NOT BE RECEIVED DUE TO TECHNICAL ERROR." TRANSLATION: SORRY, STEVEN, WE NEVER GOT YOUR BORING TEXT MESSAGE. I USE THIS METHOD ALL THE TIME. IT WORKS GREAT ON-- [phone rings] [beep] - THIS IS PRINCIPAL STILKS FROM JEFFERSON HIGH SCHOOL. - WELCOME TO THE GNARLY LAIR VOICEMAIL. THE GNARLY MAN YOU'RE BUGGING IS PROBABLY CATCHING SOME RAYS OR GRUBBIN'. BOOP! [laughs] STICKIN' IT TO THE MAN. ADRENALINE PUMP! A.K.A. LOVESDIRT96, AGAIN. I'M HERE IN MY ACTIVITY SHED, AS USUAL. IT'S EVERYONE'S FAVORITE TIME OF THE YEAR, WHEN THE SWIMMING HOLE IS CROWDED AND THE ANIMALS SHED THEIR FUR. IT'S SUMMER. [electronic music] TODAY, WE'RE GONNA DO A SIZZLIN' SUMMER LOOK FOR ANY TOMBOY ON THE GO. LET'S START WITH MAKEUP IN THESE THREE EASY STEPS. STEP ONE: FIND SOME DIRT. YOU'RE GONNA WANNA FIND ONE THAT CONTRASTS YOUR SKIN TONE. I LIKE TO GO WITH A NICE DRY RIVER RED, BUT FEEL FREE TO EXPERIMENT WITH, YOU KNOW, THE STUFF ON THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE OR MOM'S KITCHEN PLANTER. FIRST THINGS FIRST: GRAB A HANDFUL AND GIVE YOURSELF A NICE DUSTING OVER. NOW, THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A NICE FOUNDATION. STEP TWO IS HIGHLIGHTS. WE'RE GONNA MAKE AN ALL-NATURAL, IRRITANT-FREE ADHESIVE. [hocks and spits] STEP THREE: SIMPLY APPLY. THAT'S NICE. THIS IS GONNA LOOK REALLY NATURAL AND JUST GONNA MAKE YOU LOOK FABULOUS. LOOK AT HER. YOU GOT A ZIT? PUT SOME DIRT ON IT. REALLY JUST-- AND JUST SHAKE IT OFF. LIKE BLUSH. SHAKE IT OFF. AND YOU'RE DONE. NOW, AGAIN, FEEL FREE TO EXPERIMENT TO FIND YOUR OWN SUMMER STYLE. NOW, BEFORE I GO AND CATCH CRAWDADS WITH EMMETT, I'VE GOTTA GO SUMMER SHOPPIN'. SO LET'S BE LIKE A BRAVE LITTLE TURTLE AND HEAD OUT. WELL, MY FAVORITE PLACE TO SHOP FOR A NEW SUMMER OUTFIT IS A LITTLE INDEPENDENT STORE I LIKE TO CALL "BRIAN'S CLOSET." WHEN CHOOSING A SUMMER SHIRT, IT'S IMPORTANT TO PICK A LIGHTWEIGHT, BREATHABLE MATERIAL... [fabric ripping] 'CAUSE THEY'RE THE EASIEST ONES TO TEAR. FINALLY, WE'RE GONNA GET A NEW SUMMER 'DO. NOW, I'VE BEEN DODGING THE BARBER, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS MY MOTHER WITH THE LAWN CLIPPERS, FOR A FEW MONTHS NOW BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TREASURES SHE'LL STEAL FROM ME. LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN. MY WRENCH. GOTTA WORK ON THE TRUCK SOON. MY PIGGY BANK. SAVIN' UP FOR A FERRET. [clatter] WHAT'S NEXT? SANDWICH! I SAY IT'S GOOD FOR ANOTHER WEEK AT LEAST. THAT'S WHAT I'M LOOKIN' FOR, MY HAIRBRUSH. NOW, REMEMBER TO ALWAYS STROKE YOUR HAIR 100 TIMES BEFORE BED. ONE... [brush creaking] [straining] ONE... [clatter] FORGET THAT LAST HAIR TIP. JUST PONYTAIL IT UP AND PUT A HAT ON IT. TA-DA! NOW YOU'RE READY TO HEAD OUT AND DIG DEEP INTO THE GROUND OR CLIMB HIGH INTO THE SKY. THAT'S IT FOR TERRY THE TOMBOY'S STYLE GUIDE. Y'ALL CHECK BACK NEXT TIME, YA HEAR? - GO! [cheers and applause]