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Robot & Monster

The Bacon Tree: Grow Your Own

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Robot & Monster

The Bacon Tree: Grow Your Own

- THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST WEEKEND EVER, ROBOT. - MONSTER, YOU SAY THAT EVERY WEEKEND. - AND EVERY WEEKEND, I'M RIGHT. - THEY CAN'T ALL BE THE BEST. - YES, THEY CAN. THEY'RE IN A 458-WAY TIE. - WELL, 459 MAY BE A LOSER BECAUSE HERE COMES-- AAH! [crash] [groans] OGO. - SORRY, ROBOT. HEY, GUYS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND? - WELL, ACTUALLY, WE DON'T HAVE ANY-- - WAIT. WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW? - JUST IDLY CURIOUS. I WAS THINKING MAYBE THE THREE OF US COULD MAKE OUR OWN QUILT AND WHEN WE'RE DONE, WE CAN SPREAD IT OUT AND HAVE A PICNIC. I MAKE MY OWN MAYONNAISE, YOU KNOW. - AAH! - THEN WE COULD GO DANCING. [salsa music] WE'LL ALL WEAR SPARKLY VESTS. [clicking] AND THEN YOU CAN GET TATTOOS OF MY FACE ON YOUR BUTTS TO MATCH THE TATTOOS OF YOUR FACES I HAVE ON MINE. [both gasping] FINALLY, WE CAN WATCH THE SUNRISE WHILE I READ YOU EXCERPTS FROM MY DREAM JOURNAL. [sparkly chime] both: UH... UNLESS YOU HAVE OTHER PLANS. HAPPY ST. VALENCRISP DAY, J.D. HMM. HA-- NO. HEY, SUGAR DOLL, GOT YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING. NO BIG WHOOP. OH. "NO BIG WHOOP"? [groans] - HAPPY ST. VALENCRISP DAY, J.D. [sighs] NAILED IT. - WAIT. YOU GOT J.D. A VALENCRISP PRESENT TOO? - OF COURSE, ROBOT. WHAT KIND OF VALENCRISP WOULD I BE IF I DIDN'T? - YEAH, BUT ONLY ONE OF US CAN BE HER VALENCRISP. AFTER ALL, THIS COULD BE THE YEAR THAT J.D. GIVES SOMEONE A VALENCRISP KISS. [both sigh] HMM. - HMM, YOU KNOW, ROBOT, SOMETHING LIKE THIS MIGHT TEAR OTHER BEST BUDDIES APART. BUT NOT US. RIGHT? - RIGHT. SO I GUESS ALL WE GOT TO FIGURE OUT NOW IS WHO GETS TO GIVE J.D. THEIR GIFT FIRST. [both shouting] - HAPPY VALENCRISP, J.D. - PLEASE ACCEPT THIS WREATH. NO BIG WHOOP. - OH, HOW SWEET. WOULD YOU GUYS MIND GETTING IN LINE? I JUST WANT TO BE FAIR TO EVERYONE. LONG, LONG AGO, IN THE TIME OF BEFORE, ROBOTS AND MONSTERS WERE ALWAYS AT WAR. THEY HAD NOTHING IN COMMON. THEIR FAVORITE OF GAMES WAS TO CALL ONE ANOTHER UNFLATTERING NAMES. WETWARE AND WIDGETS. FLEA MAGNETS, TIN CANS. IT WAS MORE THAN EACH GROUP COULD POSSIBLY STAND. THEIR ARMIES LINED UP. THEY HAD SIMILAR GOALS TO BASH ONE ANOTHER WITH ROCKS AND LONG POLES. THEN, LO AND BEHOLD, ONE WONDROUS NIGHT CAME A MAGICAL BEING ALL BATHED IN GOLD LIGHT. "MY NAME IS ST. CRISPY. "I BRING YOU A TREAT "THAT MECHANICALS AND ORGANICS "WILL BOTH LOVE TO EAT. "SO LAY DOWN YOUR ARMS. "IT IS NOW TIME FOR PEACE, "SHARING GLORIOUS STRIPS ALL LADEN WITH GREASE." AND THEIR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER THAT NIGHT DID AWAKEN AFTER GORGING THEMSELVES HERE YOU GO, BOYS. both: [gasp] - TELL ME THIS ISN'T THE BEST BACON EVER. both: MMM. - IT ISN'T. - NOT EVEN CLOSE. - WHAT? [dishes breaking] - IT'S GOOD, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THE BACON WE HAD WHEN WE WERE KIDS. REMEMBER THE BACON MAN? PUSHING HIS WHEELBARROW DOWN THE STREET, CALLING, "BACON! BACON FOR SALE!" - FOR 50 CENTS, YOU'D GET A HANDFUL. - FOR AN EXTRA QUARTER, YOU COULD ROLL AROUND IN IT. AND FOR A DOLLAR, YOU COULD RUB IT ON YOUR-- - OKAY. NO ONE NEEDS TO SEE THAT. - FINE. YOU DON'T LIKE MY BACON? WHY DON'T YOU GROW YOUR OWN? both: HMM. - ONE BACON TREE SEED FOR YOU, AND ONE FOR ME. [gasps] WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ARE YOU PLANTING IT IN? - DIRT. - DIRT? TO GROW A TREE? [laughing] THAT IS HOPELESSLY PRIMITIVE. I SUPPOSE YOU'RE GOING TO WATER IT WITH "WATER." - WELL, YEAH. WHAT ELSE WOULD I DO? - BEHOLD THE GROWTRONIC PLUS... [trumpet fanfare] SCIENTIFICALLY DESIGNED TO CREATE