Building the Perfect Nickelodeon Football Team
If you had to put together the ultimate slimetime squad for a Nickelodeon football team, where would you start? Do you build in the trenches and get some big bodies for the offensive/defensive line? Do you go for an all-speed squad? We're thinking...why not both? Here are our picks for the perfect Nick football team!
QUARTERBACK: SpongeBob SquarePants
We need Bikini Bottom’s best fry cook calling plays. Why? Because we know HEEEEE’S READAYYYYYY. Quarterbacks need to protect the ball like it’s the Krabby Patty Secret Formula, and we know SpongeBob can handle that no matter how many Planktons the defense throws at him. He can air out the ball to his receivers like he’s slinging Krabby Patties to hungry anchovies, and he can dodge defenders in the pocket with his karate reflexes. Hut, hut, order up!
OFFENSIVE SKILL POSITIONS: Lynn Loud Jr., Ronnie Anne, Henry Danger, + Rok-Tahk
A talented, versatile group! At running back, Lynn Loud’s a do-it-all running-and-catching threat out of the backfield with the competitive fire to carry any team to victory! Wide receivers Ronnie Anne Casagrande and Henry Hart (aka Kid Danger) have the speed and tackle-breaking ability to leave opposing defenders in the dust. Add in dual-threat Rok-Tahk, a fearsome blocker and untackle-able tight end, and this crew is basically unstoppable!
OFFENSIVE LINE: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles + April
The offensive line’s main job: keep the quarterback and running back clean and protected. These lean, green, mean bros can Turtle Power their way through any defensive line like they’re fighting off the Foot Clan. With secret weapon April in the middle operating as the center and big Raph holding down the pivotal left tackle spot, this O-line doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘defeat.’
DEFENSIVE LINE: Patrick Star + The Danger Force
This defense is centered around the man in the middle: defensive tackle Patrick Star. He’s a big man - a big, BIG man - and he’s tough enough to get into the Salty Spitoon, which means he’s ready to wreak havoc on whoever lines up across the line. Plus, he’s a quick thinker - after all, the inner machinations of his mind are an enigma. The rest of the d-line is an all-star Danger Force defensive end rotation. Just imagine: Chapa’s electric pass-rushing, Miles’s ability to transport into any backfield, Mika’s ability to shout the offense offsides, and Bose’s telekinesis messing with every ball before the snap. Put it all together, they’re a force to be reckoned with!
LINEBACKERS: Clawdeen Wolf + Sandy Cheeks
Linebackers need to be smart, speedy, and strong. Sounds like Monster High’s favorite werewolf, Clawdeen Wolf! She’s clawsome and fierce, with enhanced speed and an acute sense of smell to sniff out the offense. Clawdeen’s ready to lead the pack to victory! Similarly, Sandy’s Texas tough, has the mind of a rocket scientist, and should have no trouble bringing down ball carriers. After all, she’s wrangled bulls and she’s wrangled worms. What chance does a running back have?
DEFENSIVE SECONDARY: Cosmo, Wanda, Big Nate, + Angelica Pickles
Cornerbacks tend to be smaller than wide receivers, so they usually have to be magicians when the ball is in the air to break up passes. So, let’s have a little actual magic on our side! As long as their opponents don’t make a wish to catch a touchdown pass, we’ve got two lockdown corners on our side. Since safeties have to make trouble for opposing offenses, it’s best we get the two toughest troublemakers in town. Nate Wright has enough awesome to go around, and just in case any player from the offense gets far enough, Angelica’s there to boss them around and send them snarkily back to their diapers.
KICKER/PUNTER + HOLDER: Pony + Annie
Kickers and punters need a big leg to boot the ball. Luckily, our kicker has four! Pony’s got the hoof strength to boot coffin-corner punts and 70-yard field goals. Plus, he doesn’t need cleats - just a few horseshoes will do, thank you. Every great kicker needs a great friend to hold the ball steady. That’s where Pony’s best pal Annie comes in: to keep those kicks steady and maybe, just maybe, run a sneaky trick play!
HEAD COACH: That Girl Lay Lay
Coaching’s all about attitude, so who better to hype up this all-star squad than the queen herself? Lay Lay’s got the swag and swagger to keep the team focused and fighting no matter the opponent! She’s not just a coach - she’s your girl, Lay Lay.